for every person i hate in this world, at least i always have them.
i always thought they were annoying when i was little. "Caroline gets the baby treatment for a year longer than i did!" and "i didnt exist after was born!"
but then i started remembering when i turned 13 that im their brother. that regardless of how good i think they have it, were all in the same shitty shithole because we only have each other. no real friends.
in that sense. before i started high school, they were my only friends anyway. if wasn't taking care of carrie when she was a baby, usually we spent the time talking during chores, or if mom and dad were gone awhile, reading in their seats or even watching the television for longer than until the clock looked even slightly different from when we first glanced at it.
i think that's what i enjoyed most about it. with the time we could get in here, wed spend it using stashed away baked goods i usually ended up buying because i was really the only one with any time allowed outside without being at their hips, or wed play some of moms and grandmas records, take the photos of our uncles and aunt out from the attic just to pretend we had our own family parties for a while...
i recall really connecting with carrie too... one day in the attic with my sisters, we found an old box of dads things. inside of one of them was an old photo of my dad and his brothers when they were all kids about her age. and she told me she wished she got to experience the things they got to as boys. the simplest things like playing at playgrounds outside of school, or fencing with sticks theyd break off in the backyard. even a real cake for her birthday would be enough, she said.
i couldnt help myself in feeling that way too for a moment. i guess thats obvious from me telling the little world i have here about it......... but it makes me realize how alike we all are. how besides being our own stupid people who will make even stupider mistakes and decisions, we all sort of have the same worldview. granted we all think of it in different ways...... im obviously the pessimistic one.
i hope one day we can talk to uncle dean. if dad hates him as much as he claims he does, then we are sure to get along great.
